Log in

13 July 2012 @ 01:40 am
Thill Kill Kids  
It's interesting to me that the columbine boys were taking prescribed antidepressants when they went on their murder joyride. Those kinds of medications in large amounts can make a person pretty apathetic, at least in my personal experience- just for a general example, if my favorite character on an intense tv series died, I would be sad, but it wouldn't affect me, where as if I were not on medication I would probably cry and be really touched by it.
It's necessary to dull the negative emotions when they are so intense that they start to destroy your life, but they dull other things as well. I think for some people it can be their sense of instinctual horror at the thought of really planning on murdering other people. I'm sure it wouldn't help if they were people who had wronged and humiliated you all your life (they said that the jocks threw a cup of fecal matter on them. that's pretty fucked up.), people you are forced to see every day. Idk, maybe a factor, if everything in your life has already led in that direction.
I have to kind of sympathize with them a lot, being that kid in tiny hick town being harassed and bullied constantly for being a liberal tree hugger devil worshiping lesbian vampire witch hairy chested slut (yes all of these things), I would get into physical confrontations all the time, and if you scared people enough into thinking you were crazy enough to really hurt them, they would leave you alone. If someone spit on you in the hall you would punch them in the face, obviously. Push you on the stairs? Again, punch them in the face.
One time this little rancher boy actually told me that I should be raped and shot. not even fucking kidding, I don't think anyone has ever said something quite that fucked up to me in my whole life. I took everything on his desk and threw it on the floor and just stood there while his eyes were like cue balls. I was taken out into the hall for it and was going to be punished until I told them why I did it.
It's weird how many of the people who did the most aggressive shit towards me were male.
I definitely wanted to cause them physical pain, enough at least to make them think twice about fucking with me, I didn't care who they were. I just wanted to be left alone. But I don't think I ever could have master minded any plot, and I never would have actually planned, outside of morbid fantasies, to ever -really- hurt or murder someone.
But I can see how it could get to a point where a person could want that, especially for a guy, because it's so acceptable that "boys will be boys", and that only pussies turn down fights, etc.
Not to mention I never had anyone to share twisted fantasies with if I did have them- I'm sure that's more than half of the motivation because they can gain strength from each other. A lone person doubts themselves, but as soon as there's another person involved, everything changes.